The Column
My monthly rant about life, the universe, and everything in it
The Column #6
Release Date:
26th March 2004
Synopsis: The real issue with public voting.
I'm a Politician, Elect me out of here
Those of us who take a passing interest in current affairs will doubtless have come across the recent proposal to introduce a postal voting system in time for the next general election. The system has already been trialled with mixed effects across the country, and the plan is to expand it further before eventually making it a nationwide alternative to musty, makeshift polling booths that are generally run by folk who are opposed to the theory that neighbourhood watch is an excuse for curtain twitching.
The Electoral Commission, an independent parliamentary-appointed body who have been placed in charge of encouraging people to vote, issued the following statement in a report on 21 st century voting earlier this month: "We recognise that it is unlikely that changing the method of voting can achieve major increases in voter turnout unless voters also feel that the election is relevant to them and that their vote matters." So this begs the question, are people any more likely to vote by post as opposed to turning up at a polling booth? Given public confidence in our erratic postal system, I would suggest that the answer to this is certainly not.
The traditional method of the secret ballot was introduced in 1872 as a temporary measure subject to annual review, and became permanent in 1919, one year after women were first given the right to vote. One can't help but imagine being a fly on the wall at a secret vote, trying to suss out who is voting for who. The traditional Labour supporter would be there dressed in full Union colours; the Conservative would be swinging the keys to the Jaguar from his M&S tie pin; the Liberal Democrat would be the one looking bland and indecisive, unsure of left from right; the Monster Raving Loony fan would be easy to spot in full circus attire; the BNP candidate would be in the corner digesting a copy of Mein Kampf; which leaves the New Labour voter, who is still outside trying to park the off-roader whilst on the hands-free to the interior decorator, pretending to know anything about last night's Manchester United game.
Further on in the report things begin to make a little more sense. In a moment of clarity it goes on to say: "We funded independent research to explore the issues involved in moving towards the introduction of voting via the internet, television or phone." Interactive television combined with the mobile texting craze has opened up new avenues in entertainment; programs such as Big Brother and I'm A Celebrity generate massive revenue by having viewers text in their votes/opinions, thereby deciding the outcome of the show.
I propose that the next general election be based on a similar concept, where the leader of each respective party vying for election be placed in a large transparent perspex tank, located in a remote hill-farm in the Cotswolds. The tank would be filmed 24 hours a day with running commentary from Ant & Dec, and a series of bizarre challenges would be offered up to the contestants; some testing teamwork skills, whilst others would test individual mettle and decision making. A putrid mixture of slimy insects could possibly be introduced to the tank in order to spice things up along the way, although it is possible they would share many characteristics with the contestants, which could prove confusing for the electorate. The winner would be decided by a combination of text votes and traditional polling votes, as we don't want alienate the British neo-luddite minority.
One of the earliest forms of democracy in Greece was introduced by Cleisthenes in 508BC, although this was a rather negative form of election. Each person cast a vote for the candidate they most wished to exile for 10 years, and any candidates receiving in excess of 6000 votes were cast out into the wilderness. Votes were cast on Ostraka, which were broken pots, hence the origin of the phrase to 'ostracise'. The problem with applying this concept to the gameshow format above is that all of the contestants could feasibly end up ostracised, leaving Ant & Dec to run the country by default. Imagine the chaos if the country were run by two clowns who treat life as a popularity contest, as opposed to one?