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Real Life Syndrome

Whilst doing some light research into Insomnia this week I accidentally came across a medical condition that I was previously unaware of. Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS) is 'an overwhelming urge to move the legs usually caused by uncomfortable or unpleasant sensations in the legs'. It is described (by the impartial American RLS Foundation) as a neurological condition, and the sensations have the following features: occur during long periods of inactivity; become more sensitive in the evening and at night; are relieved by movement of the limb; often cause difficulty with sleep (leading to feelings of daytime tiredness); and may cause involuntary jerking of the limbs.

Basically what this means is that if your legs ache of an evening, especially when you have been sat watching television for an hour or two, and if the aching eases slightly when you stretch them, then you could be a sufferer. Worse still, if you are prone to the odd twitch in your legs and occasionally struggle to sleep at night (thus feeling tired at work the following day), you must book an appointment with your neurologist without delay. The RLS Foundation claims that approximately 23 million people in the US alone may currently be suffering from this condition; I would personally argue that this is a very conservative estimate. Judging by the aforementioned criteria, I would say that a more accurate statistic would be that there are approximately 23 fully-grown adults in Britain who have not yet endured some form of RLS in their lifetime.

It seems there is now a syndrome to define every aspect of our lives which we find unpleasant or annoying. If you routinely find yourself swearing at and abusing strangers, then you can excuse your foul-mouthed tendencies by claiming to suffer from Tourette's Syndrome; if you suffer from pins & needles in your arms then Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is your condition of choice, with Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome its more exclusive cousin; if you find yourself overweight and verging on obesity, perhaps you are suffering from Metabolic Syndrome; if you are always tired and feeling depressed, then its clearly a case of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome; and if you should find it stressful to navigate crowds of people without attempting to shoot somebody, then you are clearly suffering from Gulf War Syndrome (most likely the passive kind which can be developed by over-exposure to war footage on TV news).

This method of classifying affliction can have dangerous side effects if it is not carefully controlled, as it may be used by criminals to justify certain types of antisocial behaviour, and worse still to excuse them completely. Imagine the following fictional scenario: a deviant young Liverpudlian is in court on charges of vandalism. The court alleges that he kicked the recently erected statue of Ricky Tomlinson (in Liverpool City Centre), resulting in it falling over and breaking. When asked to respond to the charge, all he would need to do is say the following: "I plead not guilty. It was my RLS your honour. There I was standing admiring the new statue when suddenly I felt my legs aching; the next thing I knew my right leg jerked forward and collided with the statue, causing it to fall to pieces. I can't remember anything else after that point as an ice cream van drove past and my ADHD kicked in."

The blame culture we exist in means that it is no longer satisfactory to accept the odd ache and pain; modern society demands that we dig out the medical dictionary and perform a rash impulsive self-diagnosis at the first sign of a twinge. There are people who devote their entire lives to creating and researching medical syndromes such as those mentioned above, and I am convinced they make half of it up. Common sense has lost its place in the public psyche; people are too busy suing the neighbours' dog for shitting on their lawn to take a step back and reflect on proceedings.

In a gesture of crude irony, I have invented a syndrome of my own to explain all of the above, one which affects the parts of the brain used for judgement and reasoning. The working title for this theory is Syndrome Addiction Syndrome (SAS), the main symptom of which is that the lives of the sufferers are so consumed by trivia that they lose sight of the bigger picture and relentlessly search for solutions to minor quibbles.

During my original research into Insomnia, I came across the story of a heavy insomniac called Anna Musgrave, who became so desperate to sleep one evening that she seriously contemplated her boyfriend's offer to 'punch her out' (source BBC website). Whilst I am quite sure that this was a gesture of loving kindness on her boyfriend's part, it has subsequently formed the backbone of my recommended course of treatment for sufferers of SAS, namely a solid square punch on the nose.

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