The Column
My monthly rant about life, the universe, and everything in it
The Column #2
Release Date:
22nd January 2004
Synopsis: How to be a good citizen in modern society.
New Model Army
So the New Year's resolution went out of the window long ago, and although you may start going to the gym when the weather improves, you, like me, are suffering from what is often referred to as the January Blues. The question is what can you do to resolve this lifestyle crisis? It is fair to say that we could all do more for our fellow man, so how about trying to be a better citizen in 2004?
The stereotypical model citizen could feasibly be described as a church-going, newly retired pensioner who spends their time helping others across the road and micro-waving ready meals for the old lady next door. For those out there who watch The Simpsons, Ned Flanders is everything society expects of the traditional model citizen.
Unfortunately society has undergone significant change in recent years, both morally and sociologically. Greed is good and money is paramount in our lives, with good manners and politeness finishing way back down the field. The newly retired pensioner is no longer king of the hill when it comes to the citizen of the year awards; step back over-helpful grandparent, and step forward chain-smoking consumer.
Good citizenship is now primarily measured according to tax contributions, and it is common knowledge that the biggest tax earners for the UK Government are petrol and cigarettes. Hence the new model citizen is in fact a chain smoking tobacco junkie who belches smoke like an industrial chimney, with a huge appetite for all things edible, and an insatiable desire for alcohol.
Said citizen will almost certainly drive a huge V8 engined American saloon car (they would buy British but our car industry went to the wall years ago) to keep us in favour with Uncle George and his destruction of mass weapons. This car must consume gallons of petrol without even moving, and eat its way through a set of tyres at least once a month regardless of how far it is driven.
All of this greed and consumption may sound highly anti-social, but we have to consider the tax revenue raised, which can be put to good use in our schools and hospitals where it is badly needed. So if you happen to work with a person who fits the above criteria, and who is prone to sleeping at their desk, don't be mad at them. Heavy drinking exposes the soporific qualities of alcohol, and a lifestyle of such excess can be very tiring. Instead give them a pat on the back and buy them a packet of cigarettes, as they are truly the rock on which 21 st century Britain stands.